Here we are again. It's only been like a week since the last writing. I guess I'm using this sight as a sort of depression journal. Here is how I've been feeling:

Ever since I shared the link to this webpage, I have realized that I do have people in my friend group that I can share my innermost thoughts and feelings with and they would at least try to understand. I'm glad to have found that out. I think I'll keep them informed of my mental state and my thoughts and feelings. The way I've decided is utilizing this site. This time, the format isn't screwed up because I'm writing directly on the site. Thank you, Hayden and Diego. When I learned of their support, I started crying at my desk. That was the most 'loved' I truly felt, and by 'loved' I mean cared for. I know I've got many people who love and care for me, but I just don't generally feel it. It's nothing on their part, I know they're doing their best, but this is an internal struggle. I've never wanted to reveal this information to anyone, but when I revealed it to my confidants, I could actually feel their support. After that, I felt happy and energized. I thought things were starting to look up. My friends and I even started doing more things together and out of the house. I thought that was good for me. I felt trapped in my house and video games were just not sufficient enough to provide me a good time anymore. Then, I slingshot back to the depression pole. I fucking hate this. I've tried to do some thinking of things that I could do alone to help me feel a bit better in general. I discovered a quote on Instagram of all places. That quote was "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways." - Sigmund Freud. The post was by @3concious3garden3. I never bothered to read the caption accompanying the image with the quite. The quote pictured was enough. I thought maybe if I finally admitted some old feelings that I had buried a long time ago, I'd finally have some closure and maybe I would be able to move on and feel a little better. The idea alone gave me a lot of energy. I sent it at 5 AM and logged out of Snapchat. I hoped that just sending that out would help, but at a band event that my friends had brought me to, good ol' depression thoughts started to flood my mind. As the band played, dark thoughts flooded my mind. One that stood out were four words that never fail to find me whenever I'm having a depressive episode. "I want to die." These four words often pop into my head whenever a depressive episode starts and, I'm sorry to say, the phrase is pretty accurate in these situations. That evening, it sieged my mind. I tried hanging out with my friends to distract myself from it. It worked for the time I spent with them, but when I got home, it set in like an anvil falling from a second-story window. I tried to think, to process it all, to try to find the light. I couldn't. I thought maybe, if I can get the energy from some powerful music, I can build the determination and fight back against the depression wave by finally completing a list of projects that I hadn't been working on because of the energy loss from the last waves of depression. I started to resume cleaning my office and I wrote a 'To-Do list' on my whiteboard. The item on the list were "Destroy depression nest 1 (clean office), destroy depression nest 2 (clean bedroom), Grandma's DVDs, and Macy's Photoshop project." These were all projects that I had put off, mostly because of those energy level changes that I believe to be caused by this mental illness. I hope that if/when I complete this list, that I will be able to say that I'm in a better place. I hope I'll be happier with that sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in a long time. Something else I think I realized, I've been wanting to find a romantic partner to distract myself from my mental issues. I say this because I do not think I would have the courage to tell a significant other how I truly feel. I would also end up developing some sort of dependence on them. I think this is what happened with Yurim. I used her as a distraction from my underlying mental health issues and developed a dependence on her. When she quiet-quit our relationship and I had to officially end it with my damn closure letter, depression hit me like a fucking eighteen-wheeled truck barreling down a freeway. That wave mixed with the pool of pre-existing issues and dominated me until I suddenly reached a point where I felt fine for a little bit. Of course, this feeling was only temporary. Writing this stuff does help me out with feeling better, but I know it will only be temporary. It always is. I'm considering emailing my school's counselor about setting up some setting up some counseling sessions. I'm not sure if I will, but I think it could have beneficial effects. I still don't want to communicate this with my parents. I'd rather become more independent from them when it comes to my issues. I don't want them knowing or worrying about my mental state. I don't want my home life to change because they think that at any point I would try to commit suicide. I just want to live a normal life. Why did I have to be cursed with this bullshit? Why the fuck did I have be slapped with this illness?! Yeah, I get that other people have it worse, but for once, let me fucking play my world's smallest violin. I'm getting kind of sick of holding it all in, so I'll either keep writing it here or I might have a meltdown or mental breakdown when it all truly becomes too much to bare anymore. If it ever gets to that point, I'm thinking that I will leave the note in the form of a recording on an audio cassette tape. Find the tape to find my final words. It'll at least help you hear my voice one last time. Let me be clear: I am not currently planning on attempting suicide. I do not want to kill myself. All I am saying is that if I were to decide to do that, I would probably leave my last words on a cassette tape. Please do not take this as a suicide threat. Now, if you're reading this, I hope you'll keep this between me and you and maybe another confirmed confidant. I ask that you not share this information, but I must be honest, part of me wants this information to get out, for people to possibly understand how I truly feel, but please, for now, do not share this. Thank you for reading this and thank you for your support. It helps me more than you know just by knowing that you care.

Why must I exist?

My socially awkward ass

I want to die

June 19, 2024

Why is my sense of life preservation so high when my life is so meaningless?

June 19, 2024

This may be the last thing some of you might ever hear me say, so listen up.

If you have something to tell someone, anyone:

Do not wait.

Just tell them.

Seize the moment

Or before you know it

It could be too late

June 19, 2024

A life without love is cold

July 13, 2024

There is no inherent meaning to life. There is no defining purpose to existence. The meaning of life is subjective. A being gives its own life meaning through purpose. Whether it be to survive, strive economically, to serve others, or to devote yourself to someone or something, you give your own life meaning. You define its purpose.

I am without purpose. My life has no meaning to me. Sure, I prefer to survive (to an extent), be economically stable, or even devote my life to someone or something, but most of those are just the basics to me. I don't feel that I have a reason to simply survive. It certainly doesn't seem like it's my purpose, but yet it also seems to be the only thing going for me. The only things that I felt gave my life purpose were the relationships that I was involved in. I felt useful in some way. I felt that my purpose was to provide support, affection, and love to someone that wanted to receive it. Perhaps, I was wrong. It has now been a couple months and it seems that I have simply just existed to exist. I feel that I have no purpose. These feelings don't often show in the daylight or in social situations, but when I get tired, and I'm finally alone, they become overwhelming. I feel alone. Over 4 billion people and I am still just by myself, completely locked away. What's worse is that I lack the skills to be able to communicate my feelings or even articulate my deeper thoughts. Somehow, I seem to still have some hope. You'd think that that is a good thing, but sadly, it is only enough to prolong my misery, to emphasize my suffering. I feel both empty and meaningless, and painfully alone. I feel like no one cares. Nobody gives a shit about the weird, depressed, socially awkward guy. I feel that I am simply the embodiment of any trait with a negative stigma wearing a cheap plastic mask that shows fulfillment, joy, and even the sense that I belong. Sometimes, it even works to hide it from myself temporarily. Then, I get tired and the façade falls apart and I am left in the dark with nothing but the feelings of meaninglessness. I feel that I have no purpose and because of that, I shouldn't exist. Like a computer program, when it's served its purpose and no longer has one, it is deleted or uninstalled. I feel that I have reached that point and I wait now for that deletion. There is nothing that makes me feel truly fulfilled. Especially not material goods, though they sometimes provide distractions from the feelings that I do not wish to feel. Alas, those distractions are only temporary. At the end of the night, I feel alone, meaningless and purposeless, just quietly waiting to expire, to be deleted. I wish I could find it in myself to give my life new purpose, such as taking care of George, making people happy, or striving for success, but I know that these are only fragile and temporary. In the end, I know that I will return to this state alone. No purpose, no meaning, no fulfillment. Part of me feels that I've already received enough fulfillment in life to peacefully await the end, like I will not receive any more. On sleepless nights, these are the thoughts that race through my mind. The ones that keep me up. The thoughts that I try to suppress with doses of melatonin in an attempt to ignore them. Alas, it is futile. They always come back. They are always here. They never stop, they never leave. Even when I seem to be at my highest, they exist in the background, waiting for the moment that I am too tired to keep up the facade that tricks not only the others, but my conscious mind itself. Writing it out numbs the pain, but sadly it's still only temporary. It all comes back in the end. Often times, I can't even hold on to them long enough to articulate them before they hide away back in my subconscious, but I know they're still there. They'll never leave. They are forever a part of me. I must learn to cope with them. There is no escape from the darker parts of my mind. I am trapped here until the day I die. Whether it be of something external or internal, inflicted by something or someone or by self. The only escape is death. I'm not exactly eager to take that I exit, so I peacefully wait for it to come to me. Waiting patiently. 

July 13, 2024

I wish I could find ways to open up to people about how I truly feel. If I ever were to do so, I feel like I would be met with criticism and mockery from those who will never understand my position and those who won't even try to sympathize. It's a general expectation out there for men not to share the fact that they feel any emotion. We are meant to repress it. We're raised to do that subconsciously. Well, I'm fucking sick of it. I'm done suffering in silence. If you didn't hear the cries for help, or rather if you heard them and chose not to pay attention to them, well, it's partially your fault that I have taken my own life. I couldn't find anyone genuine who gave a fuck about my inner self, my thoughts, my feelings, the parts I tried to hide or lock away. I'm done putting in the effort to conceal it.

Whenever I'm tired, I feel nothing but hopelessly depressed. I don't want to feel this anymore. I wish there was someone or something that could provide me lasting support and happiness. Something that wasn't as temporary as a dopamine rush from some sort of game or puzzle. 

August 13, 2024

Allow me to be entirely truthful September 16, 2024

I talk a big talk sometimes and do like to think that if I needed to, I could hurt someone enough to deter them hurting me or someone that I care about. But, for the most part, I feel like I'm more of a gentle soul. In a group of guys, you can't really be that, and it seems that no woman may want it either. I fear that I may never be completely honest and genuine about myself with my friends for fear of being taken advantage of or not taken seriously. That's where it starts and I think it will lead to a negative effect in my romantic life. I feel like, no matter how genuine I try to be, I always wind up wearing a mask subconsciously, in an attempt to keep myself less bullyable.

During the night, I feel alone. I have no one to share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, no one to trust, no one to hold, no one to hold me and tell me that I can just be me. (I'm not gay or trans, just emotionally repressed and I did it to myself.) I want to find someone that I can hold when my heart aches. Someone who puts a smile on my face every time I see her or even hear her voice. Someone to love and cherish. Someone to be there for me in my darkest times and for me to be there for her in hers. I want to find that special someone to actually take romantic walks with through parks and trails, to see movies with, to ride around with, to shop with, to eat with, and to just chill or vibe with. All I've wanted is someone to love, someone to hold, someone to cuddle, someone to put her head on my shoulder, someone to give my coat to when she's cold or huddle with for warmth, someone to share my umbrella with, someone to be my reason to keep waking up, getting out of bed, and accomplishing things with her support, and to be that someone for her in turn. I just want love, real love.

Sadly, at this moment, I just don't seem to see this happening, especially with how socially awkward I am.

And I know that I shouldn't base my happiness and my motivation on having someone to love, and that's not what I'm doing. It's simply a nice perk of having that someone.

When I'm up late at night, I feel a hole in my heart, one that I can't seem to fill myself, like I lack the piece of the puzzle that fits. I know that it should be up to my to find that piece myself, that I should have it somewhere within me to complete the puzzle myself. Tragically, I just don't feel like I have the motivation to find it. I guess it's a catch 22. I should motivate myself and become whole before I find love, but love makes me whole and provides motivation. I guess I'm just at some sort of stalemate of unhealthy mind and habit. I know that self-love is my missing jigsaw piece, the piece that would make me whole, but unfortunately, I'm not motivated to find it. Thus completing the cycle of my misery.

Heart missing a piece -> piece is self-love/self-motivation (needed before I should find external love) -> external love (provides motivation) -> no motivation from having no love (external or self) -> heart missing a piece...

That might be confusing, but I tried to explain it as best as I could. I'm not great at articulating my thoughts into speech or writing.

I know what I want, but it's one of those things where if I need it, I shouldn't have it. It sucks. A hope I have is maybe if I have one, I could use it to find the other, but that may be basing my self-love on external love, which I know isn't healthy. But the experience is euphoric. I think I'd be willing to take that risk if only I could find someone who would ever want anything to do with me.

It's not healthy, but at least I can say this:

I'm healthy enough to not chase someone or something that isn't going to happen. A "no" can hurt, but in time the pain will fade. I just need to keep my head held high and roll with the punches. That's just life.

At the end of the day, my life is made by me and my choices. If I don't wind up leaving a life I can leave off singing Frank Sinatra's My Way, and have it be applicable to the way I lived, then I will not have lived a life worth living.

As for the hard parts of life, Frank Sinatra's That's Life says it all. Life will never be without it's ups and downs. Things will get better after the darkness. Light will shine on me again. As Sinatra sang, "You're riding high in April, shot down in May. But I know I'm going to change that tune, when I'm back on top, back on top again in June....I don't let it get me down, because this world keeps on spinning around." 

Crush? September 24, 2024

Not too long ago, a nice woman joined or little discord group. We've played games and just generally chatted a little bit. I've gotten to know her just a little bit. Not a lot by any means, just bare minimum stuff.

For some reason that I cannot begin to explain, I feel that I may have developed a crush on her.

Why did this have to happen? It never works out.

Why I think I might have a crush on her:

1. Whenever a thought about her crosses my mind, I start to feel my heart beat noticeably harder and/or faster.

2. Thoughts of her occasionally cross my mind at random points, sometimes involving random reasons for me to be at least 10 hours away from where I live (closer to where she does) to meet her. I don't even know what she looks like.

3. I actually feel myself getting a little jealous when other guys are talking to her. I do not know why. A possible crush is my only explanation. It happens especially when a certain friend of mine is blatantly engaging in simpish behavior toward her publicly. I try to be a courteous gentleman, and I occasionally cross the line into simpish territory, but only by a little bit, especially compared to how this friend composes himself. Also, it seems that he is trying to make himself look better or smarter than the rest of us, like he is actively competing for a mate. This shouldn't have any effect on me, but I actually do find it irritating.

4. Today in the discord, she said that she missed me, a perfectly normal and platonic statement which she also said for other friends. My logic told me that she was just being friendly or maybe even joking, or something, but some strange hopefully part of my mind raced. It noticed that the message addressed to me was the first one sent, with a gap where another one of my friends responded. Following my friend's response were the rest, all within the same minute. The hopeful part of my mind seems to want to believe that the initial message was the true message and the others were an attempt to hide a possible breach in some sort of feeling for me. I choose to agree with my logical brain that this isn't the case, but the hopeful side still won't relent. Why do I even care? Probably because I have a crush on her.

5. I genuinely care for her. I care is she's feeling well or getting enough sleep. I like to see that she's offline and actually either getting sleep or doing well at her job (night shift is brutal). I genuinely hope she's okay and I feel concern in situations where she states that she feels unsafe.

I don't know if this is a result of my loneliness eating away at my brain and that I haven't really interacted with a woman since I was last in a relationship, so I'm down bad and falling for anyone who will give me attention (pretty likely), or if I actually managed to find something genuinely unique. I have no clue whatsoever. The one thing I am certain of: no matter how much I like her, she won't like me back, at least in that way.

There are some key differences between us that either make me uncomfortable, annoy me a little bit (stuff I can get over), or are just not my cup of tea.

1. Frequent use of gen z slang (it's annoying, but I can get over it, especially if I truly do care for her.)

2. A bit loose with the sexual stuff - full nude vr chat models, and just explicit in ways that I cannot articulate at this moment. (Makes me uncomfortable)

3. Very in to anime - I'm not in to anime and, admittedly out of spite, I have shown much disdain for it as a style. I have remained adamant on my stance and refusal to watch it. Why? I can't even say anymore. It runs me the wrong way, and I have the spite drive going for me. (But, maybe, just maybe, I could give one a try if I found someone who was into it and wanted to share it with me.)

So, yeah. I think I might have a crush on her. Will I ever tell her?

I'm not sure.

My hope is that she at least accepts my feelings and we can move from there.

My fear is that she'll reject my feelings and things will become awkward between us.

My pessimism says that of the two, my fear is more realistic, more grounded in reality, and statistically provable.

I may bring this issue to my confidants to discuss my situation. As of writing this, I'm not certain. For now though, I will add this to the "Notes App 2024" section of my mental health blog page https://news.WrostNetwork.net/realian. At some point down the line, I may inform my confidants of the recent wave of content added to it.  Writing these helps me process my feelings and it helps when I can just share them to whomever I would like to provide insight of the deeper parts of my mind or my heart (metaphorical sense).

Whelp, here I am in the midst of another mental health episode. Perfect timing! In the middle of fucking mid-term season. I'm feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and severely unmotivated. I haven't done any school work since fucking Monday. I have allowed myself to fall severely behind simply because I do not have the energy or the motivation to get back on and stare at that fucking screen. Hours and hours of videos, blocks of text, and fucking questions. It's repetitive nature and length feels maddening. I need a break. Whenever I even thought about getting on the computer, I counteracted with thoughts of "Really? What would be the point? You're not going to get anything done anyway. You're just going to sit there missing out on your own life and going insane. Why would you want to do that. Just stay in bed, get your rest, live in a dream world where you have everything you want." To be honest, there's only one thing I want and I feel I have mentioned it earlier in another note. I just want to have someone to love and share affection with. That's all I want in life. Everything else can go to hell if it means I can find that special person, even if it's only temporary. 90% of the time it is anyway. There is someone that I had a crush on. I told her and she politely rejected me for very fair reasons. My timing was very shitty. It was about then when I stopped making my usual appearances in the discord. She and my other friends became concerned. Despite what I have tried to assure her, I think she still thinks it's because of her. If she's reading this, I want her to know that it's not her fault that I am feeling like this. It was never her fault. I'm just feeling burnt out and the timing coincided with my confession. I felt this coming on for a few weeks now and figured that I should just rest now. I wanted to take a break from the discord, which I've come to realize I actually dislike. I really dislike it. I might even hate it. The channels full of bullshit, the sleepless nights in a fucking voice call, the same bullshit games, everyone talking over each other through the monochannel of a fucking microphone so it all blends together into fucking noise, I absolutely despise it. Not to mention the fucking competitive feel of it where everyone feels like the most important person in the room, no eye or physical contact to reassure that we are all on the same level, equal. If people didn't worry, I'd happily just abandon discord. I will admit, yes it's fun to play games with my friends and have those calls when we can't meet in person for our variety of reasons, but I can't stand the fact that it seems to be the main way of communication. I'd much rather be with my friends in person. For some of us, it can't happen for reasons such as university dorms, work schedules, and the fact that they live too far away. I understand that and I don't wish to cut them out of my life. I just want to cut back the amount of time I'm in the discord. It gets overwhelming and adds to the overwhelming nature of my mental episodes, pushing me to experience a form of sensory overload and choose to avoid it. The same goes for my college work. Unfortunately, I am obligated to get it done or there could be repercussions. I have to find some way to motivate myself to get up and do it soon to not fall behind. But everyone keeps trying to make plans with me during what little time I have left, leaving me feeling overwhelmed and under motivated. I just want this to end. I'm in too far to drop out of college. I don't know what I am to do. If I can find the motivation, I'll try to get as much as I can done within the next few days. What I'm doing isn't healthy, but in the end neither am I. I just want one day where all the noise of life stops. No deadlines, no exams, no appointments with friend and family, and no overwhelming feelings of dread. I want to fucking relax for once with nothing to fucking worry about. And yes, hanging out with friends or family would be fun, but only if it isn't conflicting with my schedule and the amount of time I have to meet deadlines. I'm stressed out. Honestly, I would like to just be put in a coma for a month. To hell with it all, I just want rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in this situation, so I'll try to make the best of it. I'll try to get into gear, if not for me, then I honestly don't know what. Who else would benefit from me persevering through this? No-one. Nobody would fucking care. I need to find it within myself soon or I am absolutely fucked. Hopefully, four days is enough rest for total burnout. I'll try to get as much as I can get done, but I don't know if it'll be enough. As for discord, I'll check on it every now and then, but I likely won't be participating in much on it until I've recovered from this low.

Alejandra, if you're reading this, I need you to know that your rejection is not the reason for this low. I am just generally burnt out and needed to take a break. I know you've been worried, and I am sorry that I made you worry, but I promise, this was something that was already happening and you had nothing to do with it. If anything, your check-ins made me feel a little better in these dark days, so I thank you for them.

Hayden and Kieran, thank you guys for stopping by and hanging out with me throughout this week. I've been feeling down and burnt out and your check-ins have helped me out quite a bit. Thank you both for chilling out with me and making sure that I wasn't alone and becoming antisocial.

Diego, thank you for your concern. I know that you know this happens to me every now and then and I really do appreciate your friendship persisting through all of these times. You are truly one of my closest friends and I appreciate all you do, including trying to organize hangouts and check in with everyone. It helps more than you know, even when I find myself unable to attend, that you wanted me to join and have fun with you guys.

To everyone else who checked in and showed concern, thank you so much. Your kindness goes a long way and keeps me out of the darkest places. I promise I will be back soon and kicking it with you guys just like before.

Even when I feel that I have no one else to love and be loved by, and no motivation to go on for myself, you guys are always there to support me, to have my back, to keep me going, if not for myself, then for you guys. Thank you so much for everything! If I didn't have friends like you, I might have succumbed a long time ago. No matter what happens between us, I will always appreciate you for being there when it counts. Thank you for being there for me throghout my ongoing struggles with my mental health and thank you for your patience with me when it's at its worst. I wish for all of you the best. I hope to see you soon when I'm stable and energized again.